I have been back at university for exactly 2 weeks today. I came back from my Christmas holidays with the plan to work hard and succeed. That has never been the easiest thing for anyone to do. The world has so many distractions out there, whether it’s another video on YouTube or a sunny day – we were never built to sit still.
Last Monday I went to the cinema to see The Greatest Showman. Now, I know Jenny did a review of it on Wednesdays post, so I won’t step on toes and review it again, but what I will say is that despite myself really not wanting to go see it the first time, I’m already desperate to see it again. I really enjoyed it and I have to admit, the messages of the songs really resonated with me in a way I really can’t explain. The whole soundtrack has been on repeat so much that my head now plays it when I don’t even have any electronics on. It’s a little creepy at night to be honest.
If any of you have already heard the music or seen the film, you will understand the meaning behind the main anthem ‘This Is Me’ and I have to admit this is one of my favourites.
Ever since I was a little girl, I was a little bit strange. Not in a bad way or in a creepy little girl in a hotel corridor way. I was just a bit weirder than some of the other kids. I believed in something beyond this world, something grander which other called fairy tales, yet at the same time I was very clued on and mature about things. Adults loved me. Other kids, not so much. After primary school, I moved around quite a bit and because of that I was always the new kid. Even when we finally settled in one place, when I started year 5, I always stood out. Most of these kids had known each other since reception, some even earlier than that. I became the permanent new kid. And because of it, I went though quite a lot of bullying from them on for a good 7+ years. I won’t go into detail, because honestly it’s not important nor is it rare, but it did have quite an effect on me. I didn’t tell anyone that school made me miserable, because I still loved to learn and I knew it would upset my mum which was the last thing I wanted. It wasn’t important enough. Really, my problem with school was the people. And honestly it got really bad sometimes.
I was the outsider.
This is why a song like ‘This is me’ is important to me. Though I know a lot of people have gone through bullying, and suffered really quite bad from it, I’m proud. Because I never let it get to me bad. Yes there where days that I hated stepping out my door to go to school and there were days I spent my lunch hiding in the library with my face buried in a book. But I never gave in. I never stopped going in. I never backed down. I never tried to fit in. At least that’s what I told myself. Yet I did. When your told that who you are is not good enough over and over again, despite your best intentions you do start to doubt who you are. You change.
It such a simple thing isn’t it. To be told you’re not good enough. And yet, somehow its like a mark that can never be washed off. It clings to you. Knocks you confidence and makes you ashamed of who you are.
I’m not ashamed. I won’t be any more. That is my New Years Resolution.
I don’t know what it was about this film, or maybe it was just a trigger for something that has been changing in me for a while, but I have stopped caring. Yes people where mean to me, but that wasn’t because I was me. It was because I was there and kids are cruel. It’s really nothing for me to be even thinking about now.
This is the year I get to be me.
I apologise for such a, well, a deep post, but I really wanted to put how I was feeling down in words. This is not a post about some nasty things I got told in school. It’s not about bullying. It’s about being yourself, about being comfortable with yourself. People say some really horrible things, but you know what, you don’t deserve to be judged. No one is the same and by the gods why should they be! I would hate to be normal. Not that normal really exists. I am proud to be me. And you should be proud of you.
After all, ‘no one ever made a difference, by being the same as everyone else’